Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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