Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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