Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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