God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
