I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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