Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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