fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hippo gnu deer
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
