Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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