I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
