So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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