i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
