I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
