They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
