i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
