i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
