My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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