I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
