hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
