my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
