I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
