I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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