hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
