the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
