Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He has the fingertips of a God
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
