Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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