I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
