I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
