Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
