I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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