You're completely useless in the revolution.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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