R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
