Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
