u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
