I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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