The maid of honor just puked.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
