There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
