i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
