I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
