Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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