my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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