ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
