Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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