:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
