Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
