remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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