So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm having to shit out rocks
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