I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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