We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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