Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Omg I joined a choir last night...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
