I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
