If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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