You smell like stripper and shame
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
