gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
