sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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