I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
