I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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